A Shining Light Upon the Tears

I've been living here in New Philly for almost 4 months now. And I know I don't talk about it much, or I feel as though I've talked about it enough, but my grandpa will have been gone for 3 months at the end of this month. My step-grandma has been gone for a little over 4 years now, but she's not why I'm writing.

I've been noticing the "grandfatherly" types whenever I go out. And you know what I think? "Some lucky kid has a grandpa." Or I'll notice elderly couples, and think back to the good times, when everyone was alive and well. Maybe it's something that's overlooked, or maybe it's just how I'm coming to terms with the whole thing.

I know I've cursed my grandpa up one way and down the other, talked shit about how he lived his last year of his life, but when I see people older than he was enjoying life; I don't know what to think. Sometimes I want to cry, because I don't have that anymore. Sometimes I just remind myself that I wasn't in his phone book on his cell phone after I left.

I'd always ignore his calls. I'd avoid conversation, even when he was being nice and saying I was "his beautiful girl even if I didn't love him anymore."

It's not that I stopped loving, in a way I stopped caring - for the way he was living and for what he was turning back into. The entire time I lived with him I just wanted my old Papaw back. But he slowly faded away once my Mamaw passed.

I hated what he had become in the end. I hated how he was alone, but he chose to be that way.
I can take a negative approach and turn it positive, without being sympathetic.
Then I can dig a little deeper and I lose control.

I've always been a sucker for "country songs/stories that make you cry harder" and usually on purpose.
I find a reason to cry and stick with it until my nose is stuffed and I'm holding my pillow while rocking myself to sleep.

I don't do that very often. Just when things start to bring tears to my eyes. I figure, while I'm shedding a few tears now I might as well get it all out of me. After that I'm usually good for a while.

Today, it happened, and I just wanted to share.