Never Gone (9/21/10)

There is a weight, too heavy to lift, surrounding me. I want nothing more than to leave it there. It lets me runaway from where I am. But leaves me with a consequence. Never can I please it. Never does it like my choices.
The only way to lose it, is to lose myself.

I am lost, only focused on my vision before me. A numbing pain is coursing through me. A mental numbness. An emotional drowning. I can not let go. I can not walk away. The only way I see out, is to end the pain.
To end who I am.

I have been corrupted. Manipulated. I can not keep this life that is getting no where. I get no where.

I see myself going through. I feel the vibrations of your call. Once it stops, it starts again. I imagine you pissed. I imagine you worried. I wonder if you hate me.

I wonder if you blame yourself. For pushing me away. For pushing me to this edge. For not showing me another way out. For making life a better choice.

I wonder.

I see you now. I wish I could tell you what it is like. It felt heavy at first.
Like I was soaked to my core. There was a pressure, but now it is gone. I feel no more physical pain. I want to cry, but nothing comes. I want to say I am sorry, but no words can form. I want to wrap my arms around you, but they do not move. I am forever still. Forever standing. Alone.

I can hear you. I can hear the pain in your voice. I remember how that kind of pain felt. You are looking at me now. Looking right through me. Making me feel empty.
You made me feel whole. I hope you know that.

I can not blame you for this. It is not your fault. You are not the only one to do those things to me. I have done worse to myself. I am no longer there.
This is my fault.

I let the darkness close in on me. I knew I was close when I could not feel the vibrations of your calls. I still see you calling. You do not know where I am.
I wish I could tell you. I am safe. I am not far. You will not like what happened.
You will not like what I let happen to me.

I do not feel hot. I do not feel cold. I do not feel a glow. I do not hear anyone calling me. I only hear you. I only see you. I only feel you. And I miss it.

The only feeling that was ever worth living for, I no longer have.
I let it go. I let you go. I didn't mean to. I want to do you no harm.
Now I no longer can. No more fights. No more bad times.

But no more good times. No more future. No more happiness.
I know I was selfish. I know I was a coward. I wonder if you feel me near.
You look up to the sky now. Your face is damp. Your eyes are glazed with fear and sadness. Your bottom lip quivers. Your entire body shivers.

Oh how I wish I could hold you. Oh how I wish I was there to wipe your tears, calm your fears and shivers. I have hurt you more than I ever thought was possible. I have hurt you more than you deserve. I think you now understand loss. But please, do not stop living for me. I do not know if we will see each other if that happens.

I do not see anyone else. I do not walk, nor do I float. I am all here and I am not hurt. I think of a place I would like to be and I am there. But I do not know how I got there.

You are looking at your phone now. I am looking over your shoulder.
You are looking at my picture. Your eyes sprinkle the screen with drops.
I wish even more to take back what I have done. Can I just lay where I left myself? Can I just force one more breath?

Let me try. Oh please, let me try!
But I will stay a little longer. I am not ready to leave you now. I do not know if I will be back. You whisper my name. I feel a breeze. Can that be? Is it me?
It blows against your cheek. My hand is there as well. I remember how it feels.
You are so warm. But I do not feel cold.

I want to make you a promise. But you can not hear me. My hand caresses your cheek now. You hold your breath. Do you feel me? Do you know I am here?
You glance around, but you are alone. You do not see me. You whisper that you love me. I whisper back, in your ear.

I am pulling away. I can not control this. I do not know where I am going.
I see myself. I am back with me. I am getting closer and closer to myself. I am over top. My chest it moves. My heart it beats. I fade away, into darkness.

I cough abruptly. My chest, it hurts. My body is no longer numb. My eyes, they burn. I catch a breath. I feel the beat in my chest. I look up at the sky. I am now alive. Or was I still. I do not know what happend to me. I see your calls that I missed. Phone to ear, I hear your voice. It shakes and I find it hard to speak. Can I still? There is no way to explain what happened. I feel like I have no time to waste.

"I am sorry," I say. "I love you."
You gasp. I hear you cry. And we are quiet for a while.
And that is okay with me. As I catch my breath, I smile.
I can not be without you again.